To The Five Bollocks

5 To Avoid In 2009

January is a month perfect for dull overcast skies, returning shit presents and lists of top tips for the next year. Every music publication imaginable will be outlining their tips for success in the next year – expect to see Ian Curtis wannabes White Lies topping the majority. But as highlighted by the crock of shit that was last year’s NME tips list, featuring the awe-inspiring and ever so groundbreaking Ting Tings and Black Kids it seems more appropriate to outline the bands to hate on early. Stock up the stagnant bottles of piss now ready for festival season.

1 – Twisted Wheel

One sure sign of a terrible piece of lad-rock dross is a band having Oasis as an influence. Sure enough, like their gay-incestuous spiritual fathers the Gallaghers, Twisted Wheel are an incredibly poor Beatles knock-off. They even have the gusto to use the lyric – ‘Lucy in the castle’s gonna blow your mind’. If you’re going to swindle one of the most famous songs ever, at least change the girl’s name in the title you thick Manchester lad-rock dickheads. That said they are so bland and unoriginal they will probably go multi-platinum and headline V Festival.

2 – Esser

Formerly of pretentious indie wank outfit Ladyfuzz, Esser strides tentatively forward. It would be easy to be swayed by the Hoxton Rent-boy chic and claims that ‘pop is not a dirty word’. If you’re Duran Duran this might well be the case but with over produced and under-written sub-Penate tunes, live shows as enigmatic as cot death and a support slot for the Kaiser Chiefs, respect doesn’t seem on the horizon. Expect two top 20 singles and a second album sinking without a trace.

3 – Sergeant

Here’s a refreshing concept - more lad-rock bollocks giving the North a bad name. File next to the Courteeners as tracksuit indie with absolutely no redeeming qualities what-so-ever.

4 – Dan Black

Marketed as a reputable alternative to Sam Sparro, Dan Black creates forgettable disco-pop with cringeworthy rhymes and half-hearted lyrics. The infuriatingly yoof demographic titled ‘HYPNTZ’ is a wonderous piece of irony at just how white Dan Black is. The Jay-Z sampling track delivers an abortion of corny lines with a camp rasp to make Los Campesinos! seem macho. Currently touted for success by the BBC and NME expect this to be the soundtrack to the summer you kill yourself with a mirrorball.

5 – Skint & Demoralised

The absolute abyss. Combining the worst elements of white-boy rap, lad-rock and shit mid 90s brit-pop choruses we have Skint & Demoralised. Every track is so terribly contrived that even with the odd swear thrown in for good measure, the hideous creations that go loosely by the name of songs can make Scouting for Girls look edgy. Desperate to be labelled Northern Soul, but with a voice of a useless crack-head, the tales of a useless crack-head and, well, the look of a useless crack-head S&D is more likely to be labelled a whiney, brainless sack of shit. Avoid like the plague.

Download (if you must)

Sergeant - Tonight
Dan Black - HYPNTZ